super duper update!

basically i am NOTHING like ANY of these posts portray.
it's amazing the RAW emotion i can FEEL when reading back over it!

i am DELIVERED!
i am FREE!

no everything is not perfect and to be honest much hasnt changed...

i am still doing absolutely NOTHING with my life...

but EVERYTHING is different....

i am HOPEFUL about my future...
i have DREAMS!

i still feel lonely at times...

and some days just are plain bad!

but i can HONESTLY SAY!

i am GENUINELY HAPPY EVERY SINGLE DAY!


it's amazing the change!

i can't wait to share this blog with the people of the world!

i KNOW god wants me to share my story!

i am UBER EXCITED!

Shane posted this to my tumblr... ryen tate is my internet alias... so people cant find me.

if you only knew
she has a heart made of gold with the sweetest words ever told

that slips from her fingertips that you imagine being said from her lips

a melancholy swing of her hips because she feels they’re too wide to happily skip

feeling the criticism of her own mind calling her every insult it can find

the most beautiful people are rarely recognized in society

cus they dont qualify to the worlds rules of propriety

names so vile from the mouths of those who don’t know the souls their words defile

your ive is not from the right perspect

because if it were up to me, she’d be the worlds version of perfect

this is dedicated to Ms. Ryen Tate

you’re wonderful, gorgeous, beautiful, pretty and our friendship was fate

I hope you believe me, because you are the last person you should hate

I hope you believe me, I hope I’m not too late.

i havent been posting... i havent had much to say.
right now i just want to be satisifd in christ...
from the looks of it i will be working mediocre jobs, living with my mom... seemingly getting nowhere in life.
for the rest of my life...

i don't want to.
but if thats what god has planned for me...
i will KEEP praying that i will be okk with that...
that if that is HIS desire... i will KEEP praying that it will become my desire...



i have NO clue wth is going on with life... but i keep remembering its not my life anymore so i just go with the flow...

it's not as hard as it used to be(thats what she said).... but it's not easy either...

i only have one prayer... these days... and that prayer is that christ will be enough for me....

it may get humdrum..but that is ALL i want out of life... the rest is out of my control...

im LEARNING to be okk with that...

i havent been posting... i havent had much to say.
right now i just want to be satisifd in christ...
from the looks of it i will be working mediocre jobs, living with my mom... seemingly getting nowhere in life.
for the rest of my life...

i don't want to.
but if thats what god has planned for me...
i will KEEP praying that i will be okk with that...
that if that is HIS desire... i will KEEP praying that it will become my desire...



i have NO clue wth is going on with life... but i keep remembering its not my life anymore so i just go with the flow...

it's not as hard as it used to be(thats what she said).... but it's not easy either...

i only have one prayer... these days... and that prayer is that christ will be enough for me....

it may get humdrum..but that is ALL i want out of life... the rest is out of my control...

im LEARNING to be okk with that...

i havent been posting... i havent had much to say.
right now i just want to be satisifd in christ...
from the looks of it i will be working mediocre jobs, living with my mom... seemingly getting nowhere in life.
for the rest of my life...

i don't want to.
but if thats what god has planned for me...
i will KEEP praying that i will be okk with that...
that if that is HIS desire... i will KEEP praying that it will become my desire...

i have NO clue wth is going on with life... but i keep remembering its not my life anymore so i just go with the flow...

it's not as hard as it used to be(thats what she said).... but it's not easy either...

i only have one prayer... these days... and that prayer is that christ will be enough for me....

it may get humdrum..but that is ALL i want out of life... the rest is out of my control...

im LEARNING to be okk with that...

no two ways about it.
i am scared, and i feel SO ALONE...

last week things were good...

this week i feel ignored by god... AGAIN-__-

i am trying my hardest to be faithful and beleive...

i DO NOT... i CONNOT go back to that depression...

i dont know what to do think say or feel.

i am paralyzed with fear...

i am so scared of making a mistake...

the way i see it, mistakes are not nessecaery when you have CLEAR directions...

everything is my head is fuzzy!

i head so many different "thruths"

i dont knw where i stand...

i KNOW NOTHING... all o feel is confused frusteted and ignored...

i am almost back to sq one....

i need god more than life it self... but in times of depseration... it's like he isnt so eager...

the struggle to stay positive is REAL....

mayb i never was fully recoved from depression... mayb.... i cant even say it...

im gonna go back to reading this book... mayb it'll help...

i JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

im out.. not COMPLETELY recoverd and/delivered... but depression is a thing of the past.
i NEVER wanna go back.
i am SO TERIFIED of going back that i am SCARED pissless to make a mistake...
i KNOW in my head that God is not gonna do me like that,
but in my heart, im not quite sure.

honestly i am RIGHT back were i was in 08... fresh, bushy eyed and in awe of all the things god would do for me.

i want to believe but GOODNESS, it's so hard.
i dont know what to do say think or feel. i'm scared to say wahts on my mind... esp because i knw better...

i am so conflicted.... im scared stiff.

i dont know who i am... and the idea of getting to know me scares me...

i dont know why...


i, scared who i am wont be good enough for god to use...

im scared, that the things i dislike will be the core of who i am.

im scared that being myself will.... idkk.

i feel inadequate, im scared that getting to know me will PROVE inadequacy.

basically im scared that once i discover who i am, i will just prove that im not worth it.

I dont know where to start, but in a good way...

wait: first things first: i gotta fgire out WHAT IT IS that makes me NOT wanna be around or talk to my mom and erica... It's like... something about them, or me, REpluses me and i just dont want to be bothered... but then other times... i'm cool. Mostly when i nedd something, but sometimes im cool for no reason...
idkk...

i dont want to be like this.

okk. now to the better news....

i have been in a GREAT mood lately...

i feel like i am DEFINITELY on the rd to recovery....

my depression was REAL, but i feel like it was necessary as opposed to consequences...idkk...
but yes, i feel good.

i am learning about myself... and the character of god... i am learning that untill i KNOW ME... and i KNOW GOD... NOONE else can be added to the mix, not a Husband, not a career, not anything that sets me on my path to purpose... idkk about getting a job... i am really just waiting for god to open ANY door he wants me to walk through... i still lack discernment... and until i agin trust in god and gain discernment i think it is best for me to STAY STILL....

todays's question:

What are YOU Passionate about?
-Helping others/service/giving
-raising Awareness to "Taboo" problems... eg.: ED, Suicide, depression,self harm, traffiking... rape...poverty, third wrld cntries. things of that nature, things noone talks about...
-Prevention-- helping people learn the importance of learning from other peoples mistakes....teaching young people to NOT repeat history thru the same mistakes.
-Music-- sharing music.... interaction with artists...

-pubplic speaking & traveling --- im not sure if these are passions, but the are VERY important to my life.. i feel very strongly about them and so i am putting them on the list as well.

the more i becaome self aware i the more i am open to accapting my flaws and leaning on God for change.

i realize this takes time and in the process i am learning patiance.

9-5....

so today i decided to break my day down. hour by hour... assing every hour a task... mainly working out and devo.... i started at 9 and my day ends at 5..... like a job....

the vibe of today was SO..... idkk... like the "old me" but better...


basically... i have been reading "steps to christ"....

as im sure i have stated im in a revamped try god phase...

basically i had a few epiphanies today....

1.) philippians 3:8 ---- EVEN my SANITY is WORTHLESS compared to the value of knowing god.... which is basically what i have been Learning... well, being taught... i DID loose my mind,and still havent gotten my sanity.... depression and suicide were NOT figmants of my imagination... i am being SET up for deliverance....but it is NESSECARY, it was all apart of Gods master plan....


2.) self relfection-- i have been reading about how god will reveal your "sins" to you the closer you get to him.... and all this stuff.... i have been PROGRAMMED to belive that tangible...actions were sins.... e.g sex drugs alchol... lies cheating... things of that nature.... and because THOSE THINGS DO NOT hold me bound... i was having a had time grasping the concept that I, the GOOD PERSON, i am am a sinner... who NEEDS grace... kind of like JOHN:)

basically i learned today... that i am LAZY...self justified... and proud.... also i complain and make excuses.... these things ARE SINS! just like lying, cheating and stealing.... i fell victim to my SINS and BLAMED GOD.... i am not onw who usually places blame elswhere, i am usually good for taking responsibility for my acions and admitting my mistakes... but for some reason i couldnt understand that what i was doin was wrong in terms of my relationship with god...

and now that i am AWARE of my sins, i am ready to be forgiven and ACTUALLY experiance gods grace....



Prayer--- i wont get into that right now... i prob will in my next post...


and lastly

Faith V Presumtion.
my pastor spoke on this On TBN...

basically... faith is beilieving and trustin not in yourself or the things thar could happen for you... but simply bealiveing.... while presumption... is beiling it to happen on YOUR terms... and then getting mad when it doesnt...

i was a victim of presumtion for a long time... but now that i am learning i can start my days and my life off with true ginuine faith...


SEE:)

i am learning,...

the purpose of this is PREVAILING:)

First things first....

Jimmy needham is a trigger.

i hope and pray that one day he wont be. but he is a depressive trigger. and so i have to cut him off completely.

SAD RIGHT!?

well, i met him and the next day wanted to catapult myself off the empire state building...

one day i will be able to tell him of my deliverance... but until then...

im just not gonna bother....

ok down to business...

TWO THINGS ARE VERY CLEAR TO ME:

1.) i want to work with christian artists.... interact with them. MC concerts. video blogging... <--- THESE THINGS ARE MY Gift/talent. i ENJOY THOROUGHLY DOING THEM!

2.) i want to travel to different countries... sharing good new thru music... learning their culture thru music...
and then raising awareness.... to Americans and to them of... well each other (if that make sense)....

THESE TWO THINGS i AM CERTAIN!

now i have to just WAIT ON GOD to open the doors.!

as i sated in a previous post the reason i started this blog was to track my progress.. as i make my journey back to god.

im not sure what happened... but i feel GOOD. my mind is opening and realizing ugly truths about myself...
.idkk.. i guess it;s god.

but i have been here before.

mayb christianity and relationship is NOT about feeling AT ALL.... but it's about KNOWLEDGE.

im still not sure....

i am patiently waiting for god to open doors.

i think he is purifying my intentions.

i want to live for god...
i am ready to START MY LIFE!

however at this moment i honeslt do not mind patiently waiting and growing...

i feel like saying this would be prideful however, i have said before "if i am growing and learing i don mind the pain".... even now... none of this "pain" that i have been through makes sense... i dont feel like i have learned anything from it... except to relentlessly desperately search for god...

mayb that is all that matters...

idkk. as of now though... i am readin steps to christ... felling good about waiting on god.

Revelations and epiphanies...

ok, so i went to the doctor yesterday.... but i couldnt see the doctor.
because of a bunch of things i do NOT feel like typing out
but basiclly, i didnt see ANY doctor....

so, in my new mindset. i took it as a sign. que cera, cera.
it just wasnt meant to be.

im not sure if you can mis two spiritual ideas together... but at this moment that is what i think i have done.

i belive in god but i also beleive in fate...i belive god controls fate.

basically. i as a human. cannot control ANYTHING. so whatever happens. what meant to be. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!

i just have to keep telling myself. it is for the greater good.

so Que cera cera!

and i am better for it.

i am not adrresing my "issues" with/about god.
i am just pushing them away until they dissaper.

it is not my job to understand god or make sense of things.


i just have to pray until i a conformed.

if the joke ends up being on me.... that is still cool.
i am better for it.

Yesterday my sanity SAYED in tact. i had a low moment but it was really just that.
a low moment.


i cant listen to jimmy needham for a while.... He-His music is a trigger....

but i CANNOT wait to tell him about my healing.

oneday SOME DAY!

i will be healed. delivered and set right!

ONE DAY! SOMEDAY! doors will open for ME!

and i will KNOW i am doing EXACTLY what god wants me to do!!

opneday! SOMEDAY! things will change!

and i can look back and say IT WAS ALL WORTH IT!!!



hopefully, that day is VERY SOON!

i dont do well with permanent decisions....that is why i am so reluctant to end my life....

i cant like, undo it....

i HOPE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING that this trip to the doctors office will shed some light...
mayb i need to figure out whats going on physically and psychologically before god can set me on my path.

mayb i have like a tumor or something...

idk i HOPE it's something that can be explained.

i hope that i canget an APPOINTMENT with NO CHARGE.

i am so SCRAED to hope because i cant stand being shut down. YET AGAIN.

this box is getting smaller and smaller....
the rungs on this cycle are getting shorter....

i Often come to this conclusion to "wait on god"....
as far as my life is concerned.

i say to myself... when god opens doors for me.... thats when i know its 'My time"....

but then... thats when it stops...

i STILL NEED GOD ON A PRACTICAL EVERYDAY LEVEL....

i wake up in the morning and my first thought and the thought that plauges me throughout the day is..."now what?"

what am i supposed to do when i wake up...

pray- check..
read/study- Check...

now what....

i try to spend alot of time in my word... but i loose focus and intrest...
so i pray for focus and interest....

and do you think i get it...

NO!!!


ugh!
this is why i dont like to talk about god....


it just frustrates and angers me and ultimately leads me to blatant disbeleif....

i dont want people to know im a christian or know anything about jesus or christianity becasue i would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy let alone someone i care about...

i dont know.

i am desperately relentless.
i will chase god till i die....

ultimately will live a miserable life. die. and then burn in hell.

im trying to come to terms with that..
but i just cannot.

i cant come to terms with anything!

again i ask.... now what!?

I have never felt so inadequate in my life.
i feel absolutely posotively WORTHLESS!

but this isnt my normal inadequacey wothlessness feeling that leads me to long for death

this is different.

i cant really put my finger on it.

i just.... wish hope and pray for MORE!

ii wish i had SOMETHING going for myself!

i just WISH....

i wish i could EXPERIANCE god and his love and his fullness and his joy.
i wish i didnt KNOW so much.
i wish i didnt question so much!

i wish i didnt feel worthless...

i just wish....


yesterday SHOULD have been a MONUMENTAL DAY!

it started and ended to wonderfully!

i woke up to ABSOLUTELY PERFECT wheather!
i had a good afternoon with good friends and good music.
i went to a concert of my ABSOLUTE FAV artist of all time!
i MET HIM! TALKED TO HIM! HE SHOUTED ME OUT!

then i went bowling and to dinner with some cool people.... and talked and kicked it with an incredibly FUNNY guy and a really good looking guy!

and other people. lol.


but at the end of the day i just felt HORRIBLE!

i realized more than ever that i AM WORTHLESS....

i TRY to seek my worth in GOD...
i am relentlessly DESPERATE for GOD....

but my desperation isnt trancending into..... ANYTHING!


im just sad.
basically.
summing everything up in one word, i am just sad.

i was gonna post earlier today that today is the first day in a couple days that i didnt want to die.... it wasnt a good day... but yea...
but now i cant say that....

im getting more and more numb...

i dont even remember why i statred this post....

i cry alot... which is MAJOR since i NEVER EVER CRY.
i also sleep alot.

i cry and sleep.

which are two things ive NEVER DONE...

i could function...like FULLY function on 4-5 hrs of sleep. which i used to advantage to make my dreams come true....

HA!

i have been putting my dreams on hold because ive been waiting on 'God'

but i wont even get into that...

i live like a caged animal....

i sit in my house. ALL FREAKING DAY.
and if i want fresh air i go outside and walk IN CIRCLES around the block-______-

i cant go anywhere unless someone is home to taje me anywhere...

but NO ONE IS EVER HOME! EVER!

GOD!

i live a MISERABLE PATHETIC existence.

I WOULD HAVE HAD THE MONEY FOR MY CAR THIS WEEKEND.... because i hustled to get the extra 200 but the ORIGINAL 200 is GONE...

i cant win! i cant!

the only way i keep reign on my sanity is telling myslef that ever day is one day closer to my death.

it will happen soon.

in the mean time. ill keep taking the short ened of the stick....

i will pretend to be okk. and i will keep giving of myself time efforts and money] to others.... i will suck myself DRY as long as no one else around me will ever have to feel the way i do....

i dont know what to feel.
i cant identify my feelings...

im just existing... surviving.

and it came to me.... like an epiphany....

i understand why i am alone. i understand why people dont wanna be around me.
i CANNOT be happy.

its impossible for me.

i was dealt the hand of unhappiness.... thats the hand i will play...

i will fake it when necessary.... other than that, i will stay to myself as to not poison the people around me....



im learning.

this is my life... and the quicker i accept that.

the less i will hurt.



it sucks, but hey.... C'est la vie.

Now What?

I wish someone gave a shit about me for for the sake of giving a shit about me.
And while im appreciative of the 'stangers who care'
I want someone i know. I want some near me. I want someone to give a fuckin shit about me.


I spend so time pouring into other, who the fuck is pouring i to me. I am so alone..... i have no reason to be here. I tried talking topeople. I tried crying out for help. I tried bottling it up.

I am living a worthless existance and noone cares.....

No gives a shit about jes.


I am drowning in my own darkness.

Im a lost cause.

romans 6.

i sin for the sake of grace.
i realized it a while ago, and i TRIED so hard to stop.
but i am SO DESPERATE for something supernatural that i am willing to, idk- get an ed or become an alcoholic JUST to be radically saved. just to be saved period.
just to experiance a supernatural power that i am FIGHTING to belive in.

obviously just being a "good person" isnt grounds for....ANYTHING...
it holds no merit in LIFE in general.

the prodigal sons brother... THATS ME! i am the prodigal sons brother...

NO ONE NOTICES no ONE CARES UNTIL YOU SCREW UP!

idkk how to even finish this....AND BACK to learn a lesson.


i spent my WHOL LIFE being a good person.
refraining from certaint things because i know it was not nesseacry for my walk wih christ...
i knew i didnt need to "experiance" the world to know what i had "at home"....

i was a good perosn.
a good christian.

it was until i started looking for more... trying to make it real... did things fall apart.

it wasnt until i actually started SEEKING GOD did things turn to calamity.

i just dont know.

i just dont know.

i just dont know.

i am so confused.

i am so confused.

i just want something to believe in.

i just want something to be REAL!

Game over

im not trying to make sense of anything.
i don belive in anything.
THAT is my stuggle.
believing.
as i have said bfore there is no correlation to activities in my life and supernatural activity.

i didnt get the job.
go figure.

i try day to day to just be positive and belive in god.

but faking it wont help me make it...

i think im gonna stop blogong on thos blog.

im just gonna stop.


stop everything....

im now in survival mode.

nothing matters.

as long as im alive there is hope.

so my goal is to just stay alive.

no more. no less.

i just want to die.

i hope i dont wake up tomorrow. i just want to close my eyes and keep them closed forever.
AM I THE ONLY PERSON who EVER feels LIKE THIS.... cuz i feel like this ALL THE TIME!

breathe you in.

i DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!!
LIFE IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER.
GOD SHOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN VENTURED OUT ON THIS PROJECT!!!

and you wanna know something...

THIS IS ME IN A GOOD MOOD!

well, kinda.... EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IN THIS VERY MOMENT IS GOOD.

except it not!

it's like the perfect scrip but the the wrong charactars casted...

let's start with mickey....
it's a girl... who apparently likes me.... and after talking to her basically ALL NIGHT.... i think i like her.... but thats just the thing... my HEART knows i DONT....i just like the IDEA of her... i like the idea that someone....ANYONE would ACTUALLY like me...
i like that someone tells me a bunch of times in a convo how pretty i am(on my worst day) and how my smile is distracting...
i like someone NOT wanting to hang up off the conversation....
i like the idea of someone wanting to stay up late even tho they have class in the wmornig just to talk to me.... and giggle with me....

no, sont worry all you homo haters,,,, i havent switched teams.... but here i am BEGGING for god to show me some love.... and what do i get!???

SEE WTF i mean!

i feel like i WORK SO HARD for nothing.... i feel like i am sprinting on overdrove only to realize i am on a hamster wheel.

i want to experiance SOMETHING.... i wanna FEEL something.... i wanna BE FREE!

i hear COUNTLESS stories of god "meeting people" where they are.... and whisking them on a worldwind of salvation and freedom in few days tops.....

and here i am!

WHERE IS GOD!?
hes always here, SPARE ME the reheaesed answer.
god has turned his back on me and i CANT figure out WHY!?

oh wait.... no he didnt!

HE WAS NEVER HERE!
OMG!
WTH!
WHY WONT HE JUST COME TO ME!

*sigh*

see!

even when i feel good the very THOUGH of God triggers all these depressive feeelings.....

i KNOW what god can do, what hurts is that he WONT!

i dont wanna know it all... i just want something to believe in.

APATHY <----- the BEST word to describe my current state....

after i say all these feeling i immediately say.... EFF IT!
i CANT CARE.... it hurts too much to care.


over it.... i am UNMOVED....c'est la vi

Demetria Devonne Lovato is my EVERYTHING!

"im a lightweight. easy to fall. easy to break. with every move my whole world shakes."

so my girl demi lovato dropped her album today!
and lightweight is prob the BEST BALLAD on the album. imo of course.

this line...... IS ME!


ESP when it comes to Love.
but mainly about EVEYTHING.
i am such a softie and i build walls because i want to KNOW that i am wanted. so the way i see it if you tear down my walls. that is WORK... and if you WORK for something that means you really want it.

needless to say, NOONE(not even jesus) has torn down ANY OF MY WALLS.

i am vunerable... but that is only when im not strong enough... and even then.... no one really cares.

im trying eveyday to beleive that god cares and that he is all i need. but the silence makes it harder and harder.

idk.
i think this is the first tim i have ever openly admitted that i am a big softee.

the way i see it, it doesnt matter if i am strong or weak... noone cares either way.
so imjust gonna do what i need to do.... for the moment...

its hard enough for me to make it through the day as is.

she's a maayyyy knee ac! MAAYYYY KNNEEEE ACCC!!!

so! here i am. had a bad day... kinda... but i pulled thru...
then i got horrible news. idk wtf im gonna get my car back....
which made me in a worse mood.
but then i pulled thru so i could have the energy to blog....

as far as anything supernatural which WAS the point of this blog... nothing has changed.
i went to the interview. I SERIOUSLY HOPE I GOT THIS JOB!
at the end of the week i will know...
but all that is beside the point....


this weekend, alot of people noticed my "new sexy slim body" which would make you think that would make me happy. but as flyy as my body may get NOONE STILL LIKES ME!

i am perpetually alone...

but that isnt the point of this post either...

the above picture is like my fourth or fifth "depression" test.... this one is more detailed than the others.
but they all basically say the same thing....

i suffer from severe depression....

i told maurish.

and she told me to get my lynphnodes checked...

i told my mom.... but the issue of money came up...

i barely can afford to eat(the way I EAT)..... so any hopes of getting professional help is just.... out of the question....
ill just take refuge in blogging.

because bloggin on a blog that noone reads is equivelant to me SCREAMING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SILENT ROOM.

noone sees or hears.


so yes.
i just thought i would share that.

the "official" results... of the depression i have previously mentioned.
anywho...
that is all.

;)

fit or fat...

so im sitting here....
after having what was an OKK morning...
frustraed than a mug!

my sister sent me money today... to get my hair done for the interview at hollister tomorrow....

so i txtd me "friend" and asked her if she could do my hair as a favor to me....
she asked for money(wich really isnt a problem...since she IS doing my hair....)
but the way i see it, im asking you to do my hair for a JOB interview.... i have no JOB so WTF makes you think i have money....

then i got to thinking... IF i had the money, i would GLADLY give her some...
i have NO PROBLEM with coming out f pocket for ANYTHING... ESP if it helps someone i love/care about...

but then i realized... that is what is standing in my way... i have NO MONEy!
EVER!

how TF am i supposed to get in shape when i cant afford to buy food that is good for me...
see what i mean!?

i give and give and give and give.
and never ever ever recieve!

i don Give to Recive, but if im always giving and never recieving HOW THEN can i keep giving!!

the bible says: be faithful with little and i will make you ruler over many(or something like that)

so why then if im always GIVING MY MONEY to people whi NEED it, returning tithes... giving a liberaly offering AM I ALWAYS BROKE AND IN NEED!!


it's not like i give so i get get a bunch of stuff. NO. but i give and am left empty handed, if i didnt enjoy the feeling of giving i would have STOPPED along time ago... hoarded every single thing i had and stacked my loot....

but no...
i cant!
im not programmed that way.

i feel trapped...

i feel abandoned...

i feel taken advantage of...

IF I AM ALWAYS pouring into someone else, who then is pouring into me!?

after a while, i have nothing to pour into others...

so now ontop of feeling like those things ^^

i feel useless.

i feel worthless...

i feel hopeless...

i feel helpless...

this is my life....

the anti.midas.
everything i touch turns to crap.

its time i just get used to it.

mind over matter

so....
idkk what it is about my life.... i hate it. everything about it.
today was a hard day, i literally had to force myslef to stay in a good mood. JUST till the top of the hr.
hour by hour. i'd tell myself. if you can just stay in a good mood till xoClock you;ll be fine...
FINALLYY...... things somehow turned around and i was feeling good.
then RANDOMLY a boulder of darkness CRUSHED ME!
like WTF!

all i wanna know, have every wanted to know is WHY AM I HERE!
i WANT a relationship with GOD...

but the ish dont seem worth it!
like at all!

im so tired of feeling like this.
im so tired of being pacified.

i WANT CHANGE NOW!

i get jelous of people who have talents and passions.

NOTHING i have ever done "for god" has EVER PAID OFF....

nothing 'GOOD' i have ever done has EVER PAID OFF.... EVER!

like there is no correlation to my actions and my outcomes....

SO WHY CANT I JUST BE SELFISH.... pushing my way to where i wanna be!?
because i am wired to be a "nice/good person"....

i consult god on EVERY SINGLE DECISON I MAKE....LITERALLY!
and im left hi and dri in DEAD SILENCE.....

mayb that means im supposed to be "still"....
well being "still" does NOTHING FOR ME EITHER!!!

i feel TRAPPED!
i hate feeling trapped!!

i dont just pursue my dreams because i'm afraid i will SUCCEED! yes! you heard me right!
im afraid to go out :on my own" and "do my own thing" because i'm afraid ill be a GREAT SUCCESS!!!

and in my heart of hearts i will beleive that i cannot attribute none of that success to god....

and so i wait for him so that whatevr he has me to do. i can ttribute eveythig to him!
cuz thats wat im here for right!? to give god glory!?


well.... it's all stupid to me.!

i cant make a simple desicion about ANYTHING because god has complicated EVERYTHING!!

like for real!

you knwo how they say the devil attacks you when your on God's team...
well my question to you is when does god say
HERE I AM!
dont let the devil get to you!
you know i got your back!

huh!?
WHEN!?

im so overwhelmed with sorrow!
it's, YES IM GONNA SAY IT, UNFAIR!

i just want to KNOW things will work out.
i want to SEE thing happen in my life.

the only reason THIS is a struggle is beccause it's IN MY HEAD.

there is no CORRELATION to mY LIFE and spiritual powers.
so as far as im concerned anything supernatural isnt real.
but because for 20yrs. ive seen it in the lives of others. and heard it ALL my life.
im HOPING ,wich is stupid of me, that it will be REAL FOR ME!

Karma...LOOP? dot com.

so....
UP UNTILL YESTERDAY.... well up untill today.
i have been feeling REALLY GOOD... even though things havent been very good, i have been feeling good.

then i went on a quest to be/feel BETTER.
and i CRASH AND BURN!

now from now on, im just gonna take it as a sign to just SIT AND DO NOTHING!

last night i got super motivated...
and so i decided to just suck it up and get a job working over night at wal mart.
but for reason i dont feel like explaining, i really DONT wanna do that....
so i decided to go apply to my dream job. HOLLISTER Co...
lame you say!? well, STOP sayin stuff!

then ENTIRE A&F brand speaks to me!
and i wanna work their SO BAD.
but i dont have 'the look"
and since i was rejected by EVER STORE in houston.... this was a major step!

but i went in and applied any way....
after i applied i began browsing the store(looking for jeggings on sale)
and a dark cloud of inadequacy came ove me and RUINED MY ENTIRE MOOD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

the old feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness resurfaced.
and i just wanted to disappear. die. stop existing.

everything i said was either wrong and eveything i asked anyone was a big fat NO!


i have an interview on friday, but i am so nervous!
this is something i REALLY WANT!

what if i get rejected AGAIN!

is this god's way of telling me to give it up!?
how can i know if god is closing the door!?
or if satan is just trying to psych me out?

idkk wtf is oing on and it burdens me because i dont know what to belive in.
i dont have anything to put my trust/confidence in that HASNT (even seemingly) let me down....

the MOMENT i actually ADMIT i feel good.
shiz hits the fan!

i understand life isnt supposed to be easy...
the bible says "any man born of a woman(which is EVERYONE), is on this earth but a few moments and those moments are full of pain" or something like that... its in job. ch 23 if im not mistaken.

but GAH DANG! does that mean life, like my entire existance on earth is going to be DEATHLY MISERABLE, linked to false hope/security.

and if THAT is the case how was creation an act of love since in 1 peter(mayb seconf peter) says jesus was PREDESTINED BEFORE the foundation of the world. to come die for us....

IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME!

I'm TRYING to beleive wholeheartedly, but everytime i start to, MORE ambiguity surfaces...
idkk.
this is why i try to just STOP thinking...

cognative dissonance is one heck of a disease. lol. i dont think its actually a disease! but it should be.
i need a shot/pill for it!

time after time.

wow! it has been along time.
readin my old blog posts ALOT has changed...
and by ALOT i mean EVERYTHING!

i dont know where to start.
so ill just stop.

i am going to blog more frequently here than on tumblr; mainly because my tumblr is more focused on weight loss and is a bigger distraction to me.
lol.

i am on a quest to prove myself wrong.

back in 2009; i hit WHAT I THOUGHT was rock bottom.
and so after a series of quests i started a journal, hen later on a Vlog.
i would track every prayer, every thought ever feeling.
until one day the journal was full and my computer broke...

basically i was, and still am on a journey to find purpose.

*skip foreward to june 2011*
(since 09 i have been feeling hopeless, help less, worthless, but jun '11 is when it all INTENSIFIED)
i strongly(after TONS of research and a couple of online assessments, since i cant afford any ACTUAL help) believe that i suffer from clinical depressive disorder, anxiety(disorder?), and possibly bipolar disorder(i am less sure about this one).. also, as far as the actual existence and interaction of christ... cognitive dissonance is my only reprieve. and so dealing with all of that. i was and still sometime am suicidal. like my only wish is to die.

i dont have the guts to ever do it myself, or so i thought, but i was getting closer and closer.... the fear of hell QUICKLY deminished and the biggest issue was how to make it painless and look like a careless mistake on my part....
it over took me. i was litaerlly a woman posessed.... trying to die. longing to die. wanting more than anything the sweet taste of death..

basically that was my prayer, dear god: dont wake me up.

okk, so im trying to "hold on to my faith"
but i am wretched with disbelief. so i took it upon myself to "look back" where god has brought me from....
so i found my old journal, and began to frequently view my old vlog

only to find that NOTHING HAD CHANGED.... things had gotten SUBSTANTIALLY worse.
it wasnt REAL.... even this blog... it wasnt REAL!
just.... emotional alchemy.
god had not answered a SINGLE ONE of my prayers.... which were ALL on the lines of ["whats my purpose?" can i have peace of mind? send me your spirit? god your soveriegn give me what i need]

here i am 2 years later STILL being pacified with "good feeling".... even at this very moment.
it's not real to me. things are going pretty "well" but....it's just a "good feeling"

and so.. with ALL that being said...

i am on a quest to prove myself wrong....

francis chan once said "there is no better feeling than to know the the god of the universe HEARS you"
well, francis chan i offer this as a rebuttle "there is no WORSE feeling in the world than to know that the god of the universe treats you like EVERYONE else..."

my quest is to prove to myself that:

-God is real.
-God is someone i can trust.
-God LIKES ME(i know, i know he "loves me.. but there IS a difference)
-God answers my prayers

i feel so lost because i feel like god treats me like everyone else...
-not very important
-always but on the back burner
-constantly ignored
-worthless
-useless

so yes, i will update more and more on my quest to salvation:)