i feel like i'm having a bad day but i am so detached:-/
i can;t tell.
idk... i really just was a nice cold long island iced tea.

and my car.

i keep saying i'm on the rd to recovery but im not really sure from what?

self hate. insane suicidal thoughts. anxiety attacks. idk.

because the base of the problem has Y E T to be rectified...

aside from the abuse which i SSTILL dont really see how it had some major affect on me...

i still feel like i don't amount to much.

everyone is ALWAYS making me feel like a burden because i don't work.

i have been praying to work a job that i love since i was 15.

All i want is a job that i love, that allows me to travel.

i don't know why i am still in this plateu. i have been in the same "situation" for like 5 years. im not sure what i am doing wrong or if i am doing anything wrong. i am just so desperate to move from this plateu i don't know how to not be desperate.



i am addicted to moving from this plateu that i don't know how to NOT be addicted. i am a simple girl. i don't ask for much.



i feel like i should demand more so at the very least i feel like i derserve this.

i don't expect anyone to understand. more times than not i feel foolish for being a faithful christian. i am constantly feeling pacified instead of the acutual problem being dealt with...

i know it's "not all about me" but it has NEVER been about me...



i feel like this God thing is no different than anything else i have otherwise experianced and so i wanna do it on my own. but i know i can't. i just feel trapped.



Dear God: PLS! i don't even know what to ask for. ugh. EFF IT!