i feel like i'm having a bad day but i am so detached:-/
i can;t tell.
idk... i really just was a nice cold long island iced tea.

and my car.

i keep saying i'm on the rd to recovery but im not really sure from what?

self hate. insane suicidal thoughts. anxiety attacks. idk.

because the base of the problem has Y E T to be rectified...

aside from the abuse which i SSTILL dont really see how it had some major affect on me...

i still feel like i don't amount to much.

everyone is ALWAYS making me feel like a burden because i don't work.

i have been praying to work a job that i love since i was 15.

All i want is a job that i love, that allows me to travel.

i don't know why i am still in this plateu. i have been in the same "situation" for like 5 years. im not sure what i am doing wrong or if i am doing anything wrong. i am just so desperate to move from this plateu i don't know how to not be desperate.



i am addicted to moving from this plateu that i don't know how to NOT be addicted. i am a simple girl. i don't ask for much.



i feel like i should demand more so at the very least i feel like i derserve this.

i don't expect anyone to understand. more times than not i feel foolish for being a faithful christian. i am constantly feeling pacified instead of the acutual problem being dealt with...

i know it's "not all about me" but it has NEVER been about me...



i feel like this God thing is no different than anything else i have otherwise experianced and so i wanna do it on my own. but i know i can't. i just feel trapped.



Dear God: PLS! i don't even know what to ask for. ugh. EFF IT!

i have not forgoten about this blog... at all.
this blog i my heart, it's every secret i could never tell.
this blog is my ebeneezer.

WOW!
i am actually scared to go through and read some of the posts because i dont even wanna relive that pain again...
i will if it means someones life will be saved.

God is so amazing.

things still get tough but thats life..

FunFABSAVED is becoming a reality every day... because it isnt just an organiation or a occupation... it's a lifestyle.. and i hope that the joy of the lord exudes through me...

nothing has changed really...

i do my other blog every day... i still vlog... im still out of a job and i still am not "doing anything"... but i know i am growing...

the last time i was without a car a job or andthing to do.. depression and all that darkness set in...

this time i am being faithful in the little things.. even if that means sending a random note on someones tumblr...

thing are really turning around for me, have turned around for me...

i hope the next time read this blog it will be to uplift someone and give the hope...

the journey back was such a PERFECT title... because i am BACK and better than ever, and only getting better,..

:)

Clarity....

Who am i?
I am a 21 year old young woman who has dreams to change lives(and make a name for herself) by the time she turns 25.
I survived depression/anxiety/abuse/suicide/angnostic/poorselfimage/lonliness/hopelessness/inadequacy and more.
i am a visionary with a big heart.
i enjoy being on stage speaking. i enjoy giving. i enjoy raising awareness.

What i want?
I want to "run" a conference "funfabsaved" (a lot like becoming girls and the revolve tour) full time by the time im 25.
i want to take the conference international.
I want to turn that into a summer camp.
more than anything i want to see every crack and crevice of the world.
i want my joy for life to be so contagious.
i enjoy running my blog. i don't care if it picks up and gets popular.



As long as i keep my goals at the forefront of my mind i don't have to doubt if im on the right path.
FunFabSAved is what God created me for.
Whether is makes me famous or whatever is not important.
Getting funfabsaved in the hearts of young girls to be women of god is all that matters.

This is who i am.

"delight in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" psalm 37.4

okk. so obviously things have been going extremely well. i haven't felt the need o post here...
i have an actual written blog and i absolutely LOVE writing it!
i don't vlog as much. mainly because i put my ideas down in writing now.
i havent felt the need to vlog since i blog everyday.

that's all i've really been up to is blogging.
God is legit. i haven't had a bad DAY since... i guess the last time i posted here that i've had a bad day.
ive had a few low moments but im learning to cry out to jesus AS SOON AS they hit. not wallow in my feelings.

i am ready to work! omg! im so ready to get out this house! i also miss my car, but i see no rush in getting it fixed because i have nowhere to go.

Here is the kicker. i do not want another mediocre mundane, dead end job.
*commercial*
[What if working fast food is my calling? ive never done it before so i'll never know if i like it or not]

idk.
i want to move to nashville and live there and then become a traveling Speaker.
That is my dream.

i'm in the spot again where i have to figure out what's next.
Do i have to stay at home with my mother working FF jobs in the mediocre city.
is that what im destined to do?

i feel like it is. at least in this moment i feel like it is.

Last night i felt like god was telling me to start looking for jobs in nashville, today i feel like i should just apply to mcdonalds,

im there again. confused. am i being scared and complacent or am i being presumptuous?

i know what I want. just not sure what God wants for me. i know he wants me to be happy. and i also know he knows what makes me happy more than i know.

ugh.
i hope this is just another test of hearing his voice. because i really do not want to be stuck here.
:-/

It always comes back to this.

super duper update!

basically i am NOTHING like ANY of these posts portray.
it's amazing the RAW emotion i can FEEL when reading back over it!

i am DELIVERED!
i am FREE!

no everything is not perfect and to be honest much hasnt changed...

i am still doing absolutely NOTHING with my life...

but EVERYTHING is different....

i am HOPEFUL about my future...
i have DREAMS!

i still feel lonely at times...

and some days just are plain bad!

but i can HONESTLY SAY!

i am GENUINELY HAPPY EVERY SINGLE DAY!


it's amazing the change!

i can't wait to share this blog with the people of the world!

i KNOW god wants me to share my story!

i am UBER EXCITED!

Shane posted this to my tumblr... ryen tate is my internet alias... so people cant find me.

if you only knew
she has a heart made of gold with the sweetest words ever told

that slips from her fingertips that you imagine being said from her lips

a melancholy swing of her hips because she feels they’re too wide to happily skip

feeling the criticism of her own mind calling her every insult it can find

the most beautiful people are rarely recognized in society

cus they dont qualify to the worlds rules of propriety

names so vile from the mouths of those who don’t know the souls their words defile

your ive is not from the right perspect

because if it were up to me, she’d be the worlds version of perfect

this is dedicated to Ms. Ryen Tate

you’re wonderful, gorgeous, beautiful, pretty and our friendship was fate

I hope you believe me, because you are the last person you should hate

I hope you believe me, I hope I’m not too late.

i havent been posting... i havent had much to say.
right now i just want to be satisifd in christ...
from the looks of it i will be working mediocre jobs, living with my mom... seemingly getting nowhere in life.
for the rest of my life...

i don't want to.
but if thats what god has planned for me...
i will KEEP praying that i will be okk with that...
that if that is HIS desire... i will KEEP praying that it will become my desire...



i have NO clue wth is going on with life... but i keep remembering its not my life anymore so i just go with the flow...

it's not as hard as it used to be(thats what she said).... but it's not easy either...

i only have one prayer... these days... and that prayer is that christ will be enough for me....

it may get humdrum..but that is ALL i want out of life... the rest is out of my control...

im LEARNING to be okk with that...