Now What?

I wish someone gave a shit about me for for the sake of giving a shit about me.
And while im appreciative of the 'stangers who care'
I want someone i know. I want some near me. I want someone to give a fuckin shit about me.


I spend so time pouring into other, who the fuck is pouring i to me. I am so alone..... i have no reason to be here. I tried talking topeople. I tried crying out for help. I tried bottling it up.

I am living a worthless existance and noone cares.....

No gives a shit about jes.


I am drowning in my own darkness.

Im a lost cause.

romans 6.

i sin for the sake of grace.
i realized it a while ago, and i TRIED so hard to stop.
but i am SO DESPERATE for something supernatural that i am willing to, idk- get an ed or become an alcoholic JUST to be radically saved. just to be saved period.
just to experiance a supernatural power that i am FIGHTING to belive in.

obviously just being a "good person" isnt grounds for....ANYTHING...
it holds no merit in LIFE in general.

the prodigal sons brother... THATS ME! i am the prodigal sons brother...

NO ONE NOTICES no ONE CARES UNTIL YOU SCREW UP!

idkk how to even finish this....AND BACK to learn a lesson.


i spent my WHOL LIFE being a good person.
refraining from certaint things because i know it was not nesseacry for my walk wih christ...
i knew i didnt need to "experiance" the world to know what i had "at home"....

i was a good perosn.
a good christian.

it was until i started looking for more... trying to make it real... did things fall apart.

it wasnt until i actually started SEEKING GOD did things turn to calamity.

i just dont know.

i just dont know.

i just dont know.

i am so confused.

i am so confused.

i just want something to believe in.

i just want something to be REAL!

Game over

im not trying to make sense of anything.
i don belive in anything.
THAT is my stuggle.
believing.
as i have said bfore there is no correlation to activities in my life and supernatural activity.

i didnt get the job.
go figure.

i try day to day to just be positive and belive in god.

but faking it wont help me make it...

i think im gonna stop blogong on thos blog.

im just gonna stop.


stop everything....

im now in survival mode.

nothing matters.

as long as im alive there is hope.

so my goal is to just stay alive.

no more. no less.

i just want to die.

i hope i dont wake up tomorrow. i just want to close my eyes and keep them closed forever.
AM I THE ONLY PERSON who EVER feels LIKE THIS.... cuz i feel like this ALL THE TIME!

breathe you in.

i DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!!
LIFE IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER.
GOD SHOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN VENTURED OUT ON THIS PROJECT!!!

and you wanna know something...

THIS IS ME IN A GOOD MOOD!

well, kinda.... EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IN THIS VERY MOMENT IS GOOD.

except it not!

it's like the perfect scrip but the the wrong charactars casted...

let's start with mickey....
it's a girl... who apparently likes me.... and after talking to her basically ALL NIGHT.... i think i like her.... but thats just the thing... my HEART knows i DONT....i just like the IDEA of her... i like the idea that someone....ANYONE would ACTUALLY like me...
i like that someone tells me a bunch of times in a convo how pretty i am(on my worst day) and how my smile is distracting...
i like someone NOT wanting to hang up off the conversation....
i like the idea of someone wanting to stay up late even tho they have class in the wmornig just to talk to me.... and giggle with me....

no, sont worry all you homo haters,,,, i havent switched teams.... but here i am BEGGING for god to show me some love.... and what do i get!???

SEE WTF i mean!

i feel like i WORK SO HARD for nothing.... i feel like i am sprinting on overdrove only to realize i am on a hamster wheel.

i want to experiance SOMETHING.... i wanna FEEL something.... i wanna BE FREE!

i hear COUNTLESS stories of god "meeting people" where they are.... and whisking them on a worldwind of salvation and freedom in few days tops.....

and here i am!

WHERE IS GOD!?
hes always here, SPARE ME the reheaesed answer.
god has turned his back on me and i CANT figure out WHY!?

oh wait.... no he didnt!

HE WAS NEVER HERE!
OMG!
WTH!
WHY WONT HE JUST COME TO ME!

*sigh*

see!

even when i feel good the very THOUGH of God triggers all these depressive feeelings.....

i KNOW what god can do, what hurts is that he WONT!

i dont wanna know it all... i just want something to believe in.

APATHY <----- the BEST word to describe my current state....

after i say all these feeling i immediately say.... EFF IT!
i CANT CARE.... it hurts too much to care.


over it.... i am UNMOVED....c'est la vi

Demetria Devonne Lovato is my EVERYTHING!

"im a lightweight. easy to fall. easy to break. with every move my whole world shakes."

so my girl demi lovato dropped her album today!
and lightweight is prob the BEST BALLAD on the album. imo of course.

this line...... IS ME!


ESP when it comes to Love.
but mainly about EVEYTHING.
i am such a softie and i build walls because i want to KNOW that i am wanted. so the way i see it if you tear down my walls. that is WORK... and if you WORK for something that means you really want it.

needless to say, NOONE(not even jesus) has torn down ANY OF MY WALLS.

i am vunerable... but that is only when im not strong enough... and even then.... no one really cares.

im trying eveyday to beleive that god cares and that he is all i need. but the silence makes it harder and harder.

idk.
i think this is the first tim i have ever openly admitted that i am a big softee.

the way i see it, it doesnt matter if i am strong or weak... noone cares either way.
so imjust gonna do what i need to do.... for the moment...

its hard enough for me to make it through the day as is.

she's a maayyyy knee ac! MAAYYYY KNNEEEE ACCC!!!

so! here i am. had a bad day... kinda... but i pulled thru...
then i got horrible news. idk wtf im gonna get my car back....
which made me in a worse mood.
but then i pulled thru so i could have the energy to blog....

as far as anything supernatural which WAS the point of this blog... nothing has changed.
i went to the interview. I SERIOUSLY HOPE I GOT THIS JOB!
at the end of the week i will know...
but all that is beside the point....


this weekend, alot of people noticed my "new sexy slim body" which would make you think that would make me happy. but as flyy as my body may get NOONE STILL LIKES ME!

i am perpetually alone...

but that isnt the point of this post either...

the above picture is like my fourth or fifth "depression" test.... this one is more detailed than the others.
but they all basically say the same thing....

i suffer from severe depression....

i told maurish.

and she told me to get my lynphnodes checked...

i told my mom.... but the issue of money came up...

i barely can afford to eat(the way I EAT)..... so any hopes of getting professional help is just.... out of the question....
ill just take refuge in blogging.

because bloggin on a blog that noone reads is equivelant to me SCREAMING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SILENT ROOM.

noone sees or hears.


so yes.
i just thought i would share that.

the "official" results... of the depression i have previously mentioned.
anywho...
that is all.

;)

fit or fat...

so im sitting here....
after having what was an OKK morning...
frustraed than a mug!

my sister sent me money today... to get my hair done for the interview at hollister tomorrow....

so i txtd me "friend" and asked her if she could do my hair as a favor to me....
she asked for money(wich really isnt a problem...since she IS doing my hair....)
but the way i see it, im asking you to do my hair for a JOB interview.... i have no JOB so WTF makes you think i have money....

then i got to thinking... IF i had the money, i would GLADLY give her some...
i have NO PROBLEM with coming out f pocket for ANYTHING... ESP if it helps someone i love/care about...

but then i realized... that is what is standing in my way... i have NO MONEy!
EVER!

how TF am i supposed to get in shape when i cant afford to buy food that is good for me...
see what i mean!?

i give and give and give and give.
and never ever ever recieve!

i don Give to Recive, but if im always giving and never recieving HOW THEN can i keep giving!!

the bible says: be faithful with little and i will make you ruler over many(or something like that)

so why then if im always GIVING MY MONEY to people whi NEED it, returning tithes... giving a liberaly offering AM I ALWAYS BROKE AND IN NEED!!


it's not like i give so i get get a bunch of stuff. NO. but i give and am left empty handed, if i didnt enjoy the feeling of giving i would have STOPPED along time ago... hoarded every single thing i had and stacked my loot....

but no...
i cant!
im not programmed that way.

i feel trapped...

i feel abandoned...

i feel taken advantage of...

IF I AM ALWAYS pouring into someone else, who then is pouring into me!?

after a while, i have nothing to pour into others...

so now ontop of feeling like those things ^^

i feel useless.

i feel worthless...

i feel hopeless...

i feel helpless...

this is my life....

the anti.midas.
everything i touch turns to crap.

its time i just get used to it.

mind over matter

so....
idkk what it is about my life.... i hate it. everything about it.
today was a hard day, i literally had to force myslef to stay in a good mood. JUST till the top of the hr.
hour by hour. i'd tell myself. if you can just stay in a good mood till xoClock you;ll be fine...
FINALLYY...... things somehow turned around and i was feeling good.
then RANDOMLY a boulder of darkness CRUSHED ME!
like WTF!

all i wanna know, have every wanted to know is WHY AM I HERE!
i WANT a relationship with GOD...

but the ish dont seem worth it!
like at all!

im so tired of feeling like this.
im so tired of being pacified.

i WANT CHANGE NOW!

i get jelous of people who have talents and passions.

NOTHING i have ever done "for god" has EVER PAID OFF....

nothing 'GOOD' i have ever done has EVER PAID OFF.... EVER!

like there is no correlation to my actions and my outcomes....

SO WHY CANT I JUST BE SELFISH.... pushing my way to where i wanna be!?
because i am wired to be a "nice/good person"....

i consult god on EVERY SINGLE DECISON I MAKE....LITERALLY!
and im left hi and dri in DEAD SILENCE.....

mayb that means im supposed to be "still"....
well being "still" does NOTHING FOR ME EITHER!!!

i feel TRAPPED!
i hate feeling trapped!!

i dont just pursue my dreams because i'm afraid i will SUCCEED! yes! you heard me right!
im afraid to go out :on my own" and "do my own thing" because i'm afraid ill be a GREAT SUCCESS!!!

and in my heart of hearts i will beleive that i cannot attribute none of that success to god....

and so i wait for him so that whatevr he has me to do. i can ttribute eveythig to him!
cuz thats wat im here for right!? to give god glory!?


well.... it's all stupid to me.!

i cant make a simple desicion about ANYTHING because god has complicated EVERYTHING!!

like for real!

you knwo how they say the devil attacks you when your on God's team...
well my question to you is when does god say
HERE I AM!
dont let the devil get to you!
you know i got your back!

huh!?
WHEN!?

im so overwhelmed with sorrow!
it's, YES IM GONNA SAY IT, UNFAIR!

i just want to KNOW things will work out.
i want to SEE thing happen in my life.

the only reason THIS is a struggle is beccause it's IN MY HEAD.

there is no CORRELATION to mY LIFE and spiritual powers.
so as far as im concerned anything supernatural isnt real.
but because for 20yrs. ive seen it in the lives of others. and heard it ALL my life.
im HOPING ,wich is stupid of me, that it will be REAL FOR ME!

Karma...LOOP? dot com.

so....
UP UNTILL YESTERDAY.... well up untill today.
i have been feeling REALLY GOOD... even though things havent been very good, i have been feeling good.

then i went on a quest to be/feel BETTER.
and i CRASH AND BURN!

now from now on, im just gonna take it as a sign to just SIT AND DO NOTHING!

last night i got super motivated...
and so i decided to just suck it up and get a job working over night at wal mart.
but for reason i dont feel like explaining, i really DONT wanna do that....
so i decided to go apply to my dream job. HOLLISTER Co...
lame you say!? well, STOP sayin stuff!

then ENTIRE A&F brand speaks to me!
and i wanna work their SO BAD.
but i dont have 'the look"
and since i was rejected by EVER STORE in houston.... this was a major step!

but i went in and applied any way....
after i applied i began browsing the store(looking for jeggings on sale)
and a dark cloud of inadequacy came ove me and RUINED MY ENTIRE MOOD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

the old feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness resurfaced.
and i just wanted to disappear. die. stop existing.

everything i said was either wrong and eveything i asked anyone was a big fat NO!


i have an interview on friday, but i am so nervous!
this is something i REALLY WANT!

what if i get rejected AGAIN!

is this god's way of telling me to give it up!?
how can i know if god is closing the door!?
or if satan is just trying to psych me out?

idkk wtf is oing on and it burdens me because i dont know what to belive in.
i dont have anything to put my trust/confidence in that HASNT (even seemingly) let me down....

the MOMENT i actually ADMIT i feel good.
shiz hits the fan!

i understand life isnt supposed to be easy...
the bible says "any man born of a woman(which is EVERYONE), is on this earth but a few moments and those moments are full of pain" or something like that... its in job. ch 23 if im not mistaken.

but GAH DANG! does that mean life, like my entire existance on earth is going to be DEATHLY MISERABLE, linked to false hope/security.

and if THAT is the case how was creation an act of love since in 1 peter(mayb seconf peter) says jesus was PREDESTINED BEFORE the foundation of the world. to come die for us....

IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME!

I'm TRYING to beleive wholeheartedly, but everytime i start to, MORE ambiguity surfaces...
idkk.
this is why i try to just STOP thinking...

cognative dissonance is one heck of a disease. lol. i dont think its actually a disease! but it should be.
i need a shot/pill for it!

time after time.

wow! it has been along time.
readin my old blog posts ALOT has changed...
and by ALOT i mean EVERYTHING!

i dont know where to start.
so ill just stop.

i am going to blog more frequently here than on tumblr; mainly because my tumblr is more focused on weight loss and is a bigger distraction to me.
lol.

i am on a quest to prove myself wrong.

back in 2009; i hit WHAT I THOUGHT was rock bottom.
and so after a series of quests i started a journal, hen later on a Vlog.
i would track every prayer, every thought ever feeling.
until one day the journal was full and my computer broke...

basically i was, and still am on a journey to find purpose.

*skip foreward to june 2011*
(since 09 i have been feeling hopeless, help less, worthless, but jun '11 is when it all INTENSIFIED)
i strongly(after TONS of research and a couple of online assessments, since i cant afford any ACTUAL help) believe that i suffer from clinical depressive disorder, anxiety(disorder?), and possibly bipolar disorder(i am less sure about this one).. also, as far as the actual existence and interaction of christ... cognitive dissonance is my only reprieve. and so dealing with all of that. i was and still sometime am suicidal. like my only wish is to die.

i dont have the guts to ever do it myself, or so i thought, but i was getting closer and closer.... the fear of hell QUICKLY deminished and the biggest issue was how to make it painless and look like a careless mistake on my part....
it over took me. i was litaerlly a woman posessed.... trying to die. longing to die. wanting more than anything the sweet taste of death..

basically that was my prayer, dear god: dont wake me up.

okk, so im trying to "hold on to my faith"
but i am wretched with disbelief. so i took it upon myself to "look back" where god has brought me from....
so i found my old journal, and began to frequently view my old vlog

only to find that NOTHING HAD CHANGED.... things had gotten SUBSTANTIALLY worse.
it wasnt REAL.... even this blog... it wasnt REAL!
just.... emotional alchemy.
god had not answered a SINGLE ONE of my prayers.... which were ALL on the lines of ["whats my purpose?" can i have peace of mind? send me your spirit? god your soveriegn give me what i need]

here i am 2 years later STILL being pacified with "good feeling".... even at this very moment.
it's not real to me. things are going pretty "well" but....it's just a "good feeling"

and so.. with ALL that being said...

i am on a quest to prove myself wrong....

francis chan once said "there is no better feeling than to know the the god of the universe HEARS you"
well, francis chan i offer this as a rebuttle "there is no WORSE feeling in the world than to know that the god of the universe treats you like EVERYONE else..."

my quest is to prove to myself that:

-God is real.
-God is someone i can trust.
-God LIKES ME(i know, i know he "loves me.. but there IS a difference)
-God answers my prayers

i feel so lost because i feel like god treats me like everyone else...
-not very important
-always but on the back burner
-constantly ignored
-worthless
-useless

so yes, i will update more and more on my quest to salvation:)