mind over matter

so....
idkk what it is about my life.... i hate it. everything about it.
today was a hard day, i literally had to force myslef to stay in a good mood. JUST till the top of the hr.
hour by hour. i'd tell myself. if you can just stay in a good mood till xoClock you;ll be fine...
FINALLYY...... things somehow turned around and i was feeling good.
then RANDOMLY a boulder of darkness CRUSHED ME!
like WTF!

all i wanna know, have every wanted to know is WHY AM I HERE!
i WANT a relationship with GOD...

but the ish dont seem worth it!
like at all!

im so tired of feeling like this.
im so tired of being pacified.

i WANT CHANGE NOW!

i get jelous of people who have talents and passions.

NOTHING i have ever done "for god" has EVER PAID OFF....

nothing 'GOOD' i have ever done has EVER PAID OFF.... EVER!

like there is no correlation to my actions and my outcomes....

SO WHY CANT I JUST BE SELFISH.... pushing my way to where i wanna be!?
because i am wired to be a "nice/good person"....

i consult god on EVERY SINGLE DECISON I MAKE....LITERALLY!
and im left hi and dri in DEAD SILENCE.....

mayb that means im supposed to be "still"....
well being "still" does NOTHING FOR ME EITHER!!!

i feel TRAPPED!
i hate feeling trapped!!

i dont just pursue my dreams because i'm afraid i will SUCCEED! yes! you heard me right!
im afraid to go out :on my own" and "do my own thing" because i'm afraid ill be a GREAT SUCCESS!!!

and in my heart of hearts i will beleive that i cannot attribute none of that success to god....

and so i wait for him so that whatevr he has me to do. i can ttribute eveythig to him!
cuz thats wat im here for right!? to give god glory!?


well.... it's all stupid to me.!

i cant make a simple desicion about ANYTHING because god has complicated EVERYTHING!!

like for real!

you knwo how they say the devil attacks you when your on God's team...
well my question to you is when does god say
HERE I AM!
dont let the devil get to you!
you know i got your back!

huh!?
WHEN!?

im so overwhelmed with sorrow!
it's, YES IM GONNA SAY IT, UNFAIR!

i just want to KNOW things will work out.
i want to SEE thing happen in my life.

the only reason THIS is a struggle is beccause it's IN MY HEAD.

there is no CORRELATION to mY LIFE and spiritual powers.
so as far as im concerned anything supernatural isnt real.
but because for 20yrs. ive seen it in the lives of others. and heard it ALL my life.
im HOPING ,wich is stupid of me, that it will be REAL FOR ME!