Karma...LOOP? dot com.

so....
UP UNTILL YESTERDAY.... well up untill today.
i have been feeling REALLY GOOD... even though things havent been very good, i have been feeling good.

then i went on a quest to be/feel BETTER.
and i CRASH AND BURN!

now from now on, im just gonna take it as a sign to just SIT AND DO NOTHING!

last night i got super motivated...
and so i decided to just suck it up and get a job working over night at wal mart.
but for reason i dont feel like explaining, i really DONT wanna do that....
so i decided to go apply to my dream job. HOLLISTER Co...
lame you say!? well, STOP sayin stuff!

then ENTIRE A&F brand speaks to me!
and i wanna work their SO BAD.
but i dont have 'the look"
and since i was rejected by EVER STORE in houston.... this was a major step!

but i went in and applied any way....
after i applied i began browsing the store(looking for jeggings on sale)
and a dark cloud of inadequacy came ove me and RUINED MY ENTIRE MOOD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

the old feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness resurfaced.
and i just wanted to disappear. die. stop existing.

everything i said was either wrong and eveything i asked anyone was a big fat NO!


i have an interview on friday, but i am so nervous!
this is something i REALLY WANT!

what if i get rejected AGAIN!

is this god's way of telling me to give it up!?
how can i know if god is closing the door!?
or if satan is just trying to psych me out?

idkk wtf is oing on and it burdens me because i dont know what to belive in.
i dont have anything to put my trust/confidence in that HASNT (even seemingly) let me down....

the MOMENT i actually ADMIT i feel good.
shiz hits the fan!

i understand life isnt supposed to be easy...
the bible says "any man born of a woman(which is EVERYONE), is on this earth but a few moments and those moments are full of pain" or something like that... its in job. ch 23 if im not mistaken.

but GAH DANG! does that mean life, like my entire existance on earth is going to be DEATHLY MISERABLE, linked to false hope/security.

and if THAT is the case how was creation an act of love since in 1 peter(mayb seconf peter) says jesus was PREDESTINED BEFORE the foundation of the world. to come die for us....

IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME!

I'm TRYING to beleive wholeheartedly, but everytime i start to, MORE ambiguity surfaces...
idkk.
this is why i try to just STOP thinking...

cognative dissonance is one heck of a disease. lol. i dont think its actually a disease! but it should be.
i need a shot/pill for it!