no two ways about it.
i am scared, and i feel SO ALONE...

last week things were good...

this week i feel ignored by god... AGAIN-__-

i am trying my hardest to be faithful and beleive...

i DO NOT... i CONNOT go back to that depression...

i dont know what to do think say or feel.

i am paralyzed with fear...

i am so scared of making a mistake...

the way i see it, mistakes are not nessecaery when you have CLEAR directions...

everything is my head is fuzzy!

i head so many different "thruths"

i dont knw where i stand...

i KNOW NOTHING... all o feel is confused frusteted and ignored...

i am almost back to sq one....

i need god more than life it self... but in times of depseration... it's like he isnt so eager...

the struggle to stay positive is REAL....

mayb i never was fully recoved from depression... mayb.... i cant even say it...

im gonna go back to reading this book... mayb it'll help...

i JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

im out.. not COMPLETELY recoverd and/delivered... but depression is a thing of the past.
i NEVER wanna go back.
i am SO TERIFIED of going back that i am SCARED pissless to make a mistake...
i KNOW in my head that God is not gonna do me like that,
but in my heart, im not quite sure.

honestly i am RIGHT back were i was in 08... fresh, bushy eyed and in awe of all the things god would do for me.

i want to believe but GOODNESS, it's so hard.
i dont know what to do say think or feel. i'm scared to say wahts on my mind... esp because i knw better...

i am so conflicted.... im scared stiff.

i dont know who i am... and the idea of getting to know me scares me...

i dont know why...


i, scared who i am wont be good enough for god to use...

im scared, that the things i dislike will be the core of who i am.

im scared that being myself will.... idkk.

i feel inadequate, im scared that getting to know me will PROVE inadequacy.

basically im scared that once i discover who i am, i will just prove that im not worth it.

I dont know where to start, but in a good way...

wait: first things first: i gotta fgire out WHAT IT IS that makes me NOT wanna be around or talk to my mom and erica... It's like... something about them, or me, REpluses me and i just dont want to be bothered... but then other times... i'm cool. Mostly when i nedd something, but sometimes im cool for no reason...
idkk...

i dont want to be like this.

okk. now to the better news....

i have been in a GREAT mood lately...

i feel like i am DEFINITELY on the rd to recovery....

my depression was REAL, but i feel like it was necessary as opposed to consequences...idkk...
but yes, i feel good.

i am learning about myself... and the character of god... i am learning that untill i KNOW ME... and i KNOW GOD... NOONE else can be added to the mix, not a Husband, not a career, not anything that sets me on my path to purpose... idkk about getting a job... i am really just waiting for god to open ANY door he wants me to walk through... i still lack discernment... and until i agin trust in god and gain discernment i think it is best for me to STAY STILL....

todays's question:

What are YOU Passionate about?
-Helping others/service/giving
-raising Awareness to "Taboo" problems... eg.: ED, Suicide, depression,self harm, traffiking... rape...poverty, third wrld cntries. things of that nature, things noone talks about...
-Prevention-- helping people learn the importance of learning from other peoples mistakes....teaching young people to NOT repeat history thru the same mistakes.
-Music-- sharing music.... interaction with artists...

-pubplic speaking & traveling --- im not sure if these are passions, but the are VERY important to my life.. i feel very strongly about them and so i am putting them on the list as well.

the more i becaome self aware i the more i am open to accapting my flaws and leaning on God for change.

i realize this takes time and in the process i am learning patiance.

9-5....

so today i decided to break my day down. hour by hour... assing every hour a task... mainly working out and devo.... i started at 9 and my day ends at 5..... like a job....

the vibe of today was SO..... idkk... like the "old me" but better...


basically... i have been reading "steps to christ"....

as im sure i have stated im in a revamped try god phase...

basically i had a few epiphanies today....

1.) philippians 3:8 ---- EVEN my SANITY is WORTHLESS compared to the value of knowing god.... which is basically what i have been Learning... well, being taught... i DID loose my mind,and still havent gotten my sanity.... depression and suicide were NOT figmants of my imagination... i am being SET up for deliverance....but it is NESSECARY, it was all apart of Gods master plan....


2.) self relfection-- i have been reading about how god will reveal your "sins" to you the closer you get to him.... and all this stuff.... i have been PROGRAMMED to belive that tangible...actions were sins.... e.g sex drugs alchol... lies cheating... things of that nature.... and because THOSE THINGS DO NOT hold me bound... i was having a had time grasping the concept that I, the GOOD PERSON, i am am a sinner... who NEEDS grace... kind of like JOHN:)

basically i learned today... that i am LAZY...self justified... and proud.... also i complain and make excuses.... these things ARE SINS! just like lying, cheating and stealing.... i fell victim to my SINS and BLAMED GOD.... i am not onw who usually places blame elswhere, i am usually good for taking responsibility for my acions and admitting my mistakes... but for some reason i couldnt understand that what i was doin was wrong in terms of my relationship with god...

and now that i am AWARE of my sins, i am ready to be forgiven and ACTUALLY experiance gods grace....



Prayer--- i wont get into that right now... i prob will in my next post...


and lastly

Faith V Presumtion.
my pastor spoke on this On TBN...

basically... faith is beilieving and trustin not in yourself or the things thar could happen for you... but simply bealiveing.... while presumption... is beiling it to happen on YOUR terms... and then getting mad when it doesnt...

i was a victim of presumtion for a long time... but now that i am learning i can start my days and my life off with true ginuine faith...


SEE:)

i am learning,...

the purpose of this is PREVAILING:)

First things first....

Jimmy needham is a trigger.

i hope and pray that one day he wont be. but he is a depressive trigger. and so i have to cut him off completely.

SAD RIGHT!?

well, i met him and the next day wanted to catapult myself off the empire state building...

one day i will be able to tell him of my deliverance... but until then...

im just not gonna bother....

ok down to business...

TWO THINGS ARE VERY CLEAR TO ME:

1.) i want to work with christian artists.... interact with them. MC concerts. video blogging... <--- THESE THINGS ARE MY Gift/talent. i ENJOY THOROUGHLY DOING THEM!

2.) i want to travel to different countries... sharing good new thru music... learning their culture thru music...
and then raising awareness.... to Americans and to them of... well each other (if that make sense)....

THESE TWO THINGS i AM CERTAIN!

now i have to just WAIT ON GOD to open the doors.!

as i sated in a previous post the reason i started this blog was to track my progress.. as i make my journey back to god.

im not sure what happened... but i feel GOOD. my mind is opening and realizing ugly truths about myself...
.idkk.. i guess it;s god.

but i have been here before.

mayb christianity and relationship is NOT about feeling AT ALL.... but it's about KNOWLEDGE.

im still not sure....

i am patiently waiting for god to open doors.

i think he is purifying my intentions.

i want to live for god...
i am ready to START MY LIFE!

however at this moment i honeslt do not mind patiently waiting and growing...

i feel like saying this would be prideful however, i have said before "if i am growing and learing i don mind the pain".... even now... none of this "pain" that i have been through makes sense... i dont feel like i have learned anything from it... except to relentlessly desperately search for god...

mayb that is all that matters...

idkk. as of now though... i am readin steps to christ... felling good about waiting on god.

Revelations and epiphanies...

ok, so i went to the doctor yesterday.... but i couldnt see the doctor.
because of a bunch of things i do NOT feel like typing out
but basiclly, i didnt see ANY doctor....

so, in my new mindset. i took it as a sign. que cera, cera.
it just wasnt meant to be.

im not sure if you can mis two spiritual ideas together... but at this moment that is what i think i have done.

i belive in god but i also beleive in fate...i belive god controls fate.

basically. i as a human. cannot control ANYTHING. so whatever happens. what meant to be. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!

i just have to keep telling myself. it is for the greater good.

so Que cera cera!

and i am better for it.

i am not adrresing my "issues" with/about god.
i am just pushing them away until they dissaper.

it is not my job to understand god or make sense of things.


i just have to pray until i a conformed.

if the joke ends up being on me.... that is still cool.
i am better for it.

Yesterday my sanity SAYED in tact. i had a low moment but it was really just that.
a low moment.


i cant listen to jimmy needham for a while.... He-His music is a trigger....

but i CANNOT wait to tell him about my healing.

oneday SOME DAY!

i will be healed. delivered and set right!

ONE DAY! SOMEDAY! doors will open for ME!

and i will KNOW i am doing EXACTLY what god wants me to do!!

opneday! SOMEDAY! things will change!

and i can look back and say IT WAS ALL WORTH IT!!!



hopefully, that day is VERY SOON!

i dont do well with permanent decisions....that is why i am so reluctant to end my life....

i cant like, undo it....

i HOPE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING that this trip to the doctors office will shed some light...
mayb i need to figure out whats going on physically and psychologically before god can set me on my path.

mayb i have like a tumor or something...

idk i HOPE it's something that can be explained.

i hope that i canget an APPOINTMENT with NO CHARGE.

i am so SCRAED to hope because i cant stand being shut down. YET AGAIN.

this box is getting smaller and smaller....
the rungs on this cycle are getting shorter....

i Often come to this conclusion to "wait on god"....
as far as my life is concerned.

i say to myself... when god opens doors for me.... thats when i know its 'My time"....

but then... thats when it stops...

i STILL NEED GOD ON A PRACTICAL EVERYDAY LEVEL....

i wake up in the morning and my first thought and the thought that plauges me throughout the day is..."now what?"

what am i supposed to do when i wake up...

pray- check..
read/study- Check...

now what....

i try to spend alot of time in my word... but i loose focus and intrest...
so i pray for focus and interest....

and do you think i get it...

NO!!!


ugh!
this is why i dont like to talk about god....


it just frustrates and angers me and ultimately leads me to blatant disbeleif....

i dont want people to know im a christian or know anything about jesus or christianity becasue i would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy let alone someone i care about...

i dont know.

i am desperately relentless.
i will chase god till i die....

ultimately will live a miserable life. die. and then burn in hell.

im trying to come to terms with that..
but i just cannot.

i cant come to terms with anything!

again i ask.... now what!?

I have never felt so inadequate in my life.
i feel absolutely posotively WORTHLESS!

but this isnt my normal inadequacey wothlessness feeling that leads me to long for death

this is different.

i cant really put my finger on it.

i just.... wish hope and pray for MORE!

ii wish i had SOMETHING going for myself!

i just WISH....

i wish i could EXPERIANCE god and his love and his fullness and his joy.
i wish i didnt KNOW so much.
i wish i didnt question so much!

i wish i didnt feel worthless...

i just wish....


yesterday SHOULD have been a MONUMENTAL DAY!

it started and ended to wonderfully!

i woke up to ABSOLUTELY PERFECT wheather!
i had a good afternoon with good friends and good music.
i went to a concert of my ABSOLUTE FAV artist of all time!
i MET HIM! TALKED TO HIM! HE SHOUTED ME OUT!

then i went bowling and to dinner with some cool people.... and talked and kicked it with an incredibly FUNNY guy and a really good looking guy!

and other people. lol.


but at the end of the day i just felt HORRIBLE!

i realized more than ever that i AM WORTHLESS....

i TRY to seek my worth in GOD...
i am relentlessly DESPERATE for GOD....

but my desperation isnt trancending into..... ANYTHING!


im just sad.
basically.
summing everything up in one word, i am just sad.

i was gonna post earlier today that today is the first day in a couple days that i didnt want to die.... it wasnt a good day... but yea...
but now i cant say that....

im getting more and more numb...

i dont even remember why i statred this post....

i cry alot... which is MAJOR since i NEVER EVER CRY.
i also sleep alot.

i cry and sleep.

which are two things ive NEVER DONE...

i could function...like FULLY function on 4-5 hrs of sleep. which i used to advantage to make my dreams come true....

HA!

i have been putting my dreams on hold because ive been waiting on 'God'

but i wont even get into that...

i live like a caged animal....

i sit in my house. ALL FREAKING DAY.
and if i want fresh air i go outside and walk IN CIRCLES around the block-______-

i cant go anywhere unless someone is home to taje me anywhere...

but NO ONE IS EVER HOME! EVER!

GOD!

i live a MISERABLE PATHETIC existence.

I WOULD HAVE HAD THE MONEY FOR MY CAR THIS WEEKEND.... because i hustled to get the extra 200 but the ORIGINAL 200 is GONE...

i cant win! i cant!

the only way i keep reign on my sanity is telling myslef that ever day is one day closer to my death.

it will happen soon.

in the mean time. ill keep taking the short ened of the stick....

i will pretend to be okk. and i will keep giving of myself time efforts and money] to others.... i will suck myself DRY as long as no one else around me will ever have to feel the way i do....

i dont know what to feel.
i cant identify my feelings...

im just existing... surviving.

and it came to me.... like an epiphany....

i understand why i am alone. i understand why people dont wanna be around me.
i CANNOT be happy.

its impossible for me.

i was dealt the hand of unhappiness.... thats the hand i will play...

i will fake it when necessary.... other than that, i will stay to myself as to not poison the people around me....



im learning.

this is my life... and the quicker i accept that.

the less i will hurt.



it sucks, but hey.... C'est la vie.