this box is getting smaller and smaller....
the rungs on this cycle are getting shorter....

i Often come to this conclusion to "wait on god"....
as far as my life is concerned.

i say to myself... when god opens doors for me.... thats when i know its 'My time"....

but then... thats when it stops...

i STILL NEED GOD ON A PRACTICAL EVERYDAY LEVEL....

i wake up in the morning and my first thought and the thought that plauges me throughout the day is..."now what?"

what am i supposed to do when i wake up...

pray- check..
read/study- Check...

now what....

i try to spend alot of time in my word... but i loose focus and intrest...
so i pray for focus and interest....

and do you think i get it...

NO!!!


ugh!
this is why i dont like to talk about god....


it just frustrates and angers me and ultimately leads me to blatant disbeleif....

i dont want people to know im a christian or know anything about jesus or christianity becasue i would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy let alone someone i care about...

i dont know.

i am desperately relentless.
i will chase god till i die....

ultimately will live a miserable life. die. and then burn in hell.

im trying to come to terms with that..
but i just cannot.

i cant come to terms with anything!