i was gonna post earlier today that today is the first day in a couple days that i didnt want to die.... it wasnt a good day... but yea...
but now i cant say that....

im getting more and more numb...

i dont even remember why i statred this post....

i cry alot... which is MAJOR since i NEVER EVER CRY.
i also sleep alot.

i cry and sleep.

which are two things ive NEVER DONE...

i could function...like FULLY function on 4-5 hrs of sleep. which i used to advantage to make my dreams come true....

HA!

i have been putting my dreams on hold because ive been waiting on 'God'

but i wont even get into that...

i live like a caged animal....

i sit in my house. ALL FREAKING DAY.
and if i want fresh air i go outside and walk IN CIRCLES around the block-______-

i cant go anywhere unless someone is home to taje me anywhere...

but NO ONE IS EVER HOME! EVER!

GOD!

i live a MISERABLE PATHETIC existence.

I WOULD HAVE HAD THE MONEY FOR MY CAR THIS WEEKEND.... because i hustled to get the extra 200 but the ORIGINAL 200 is GONE...

i cant win! i cant!

the only way i keep reign on my sanity is telling myslef that ever day is one day closer to my death.

it will happen soon.

in the mean time. ill keep taking the short ened of the stick....

i will pretend to be okk. and i will keep giving of myself time efforts and money] to others.... i will suck myself DRY as long as no one else around me will ever have to feel the way i do....

i dont know what to feel.
i cant identify my feelings...

im just existing... surviving.