breathe you in.

i DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!!
LIFE IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER.
GOD SHOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN VENTURED OUT ON THIS PROJECT!!!

and you wanna know something...

THIS IS ME IN A GOOD MOOD!

well, kinda.... EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IN THIS VERY MOMENT IS GOOD.

except it not!

it's like the perfect scrip but the the wrong charactars casted...

let's start with mickey....
it's a girl... who apparently likes me.... and after talking to her basically ALL NIGHT.... i think i like her.... but thats just the thing... my HEART knows i DONT....i just like the IDEA of her... i like the idea that someone....ANYONE would ACTUALLY like me...
i like that someone tells me a bunch of times in a convo how pretty i am(on my worst day) and how my smile is distracting...
i like someone NOT wanting to hang up off the conversation....
i like the idea of someone wanting to stay up late even tho they have class in the wmornig just to talk to me.... and giggle with me....

no, sont worry all you homo haters,,,, i havent switched teams.... but here i am BEGGING for god to show me some love.... and what do i get!???

SEE WTF i mean!

i feel like i WORK SO HARD for nothing.... i feel like i am sprinting on overdrove only to realize i am on a hamster wheel.

i want to experiance SOMETHING.... i wanna FEEL something.... i wanna BE FREE!

i hear COUNTLESS stories of god "meeting people" where they are.... and whisking them on a worldwind of salvation and freedom in few days tops.....

and here i am!

WHERE IS GOD!?
hes always here, SPARE ME the reheaesed answer.
god has turned his back on me and i CANT figure out WHY!?

oh wait.... no he didnt!

HE WAS NEVER HERE!
OMG!
WTH!
WHY WONT HE JUST COME TO ME!

*sigh*

see!

even when i feel good the very THOUGH of God triggers all these depressive feeelings.....

i KNOW what god can do, what hurts is that he WONT!

i dont wanna know it all... i just want something to believe in.

APATHY <----- the BEST word to describe my current state....

after i say all these feeling i immediately say.... EFF IT!
i CANT CARE.... it hurts too much to care.


over it.... i am UNMOVED....c'est la vi